Mournyng Terrour - A Rodent Visits - Bureacracye - Povertye

At six o'clocke this mornynge I was fir'd out of bedde by the fizzynge of FEAR that tolde me Some One was in my lodgynge. I caste off my bedclothes and satte bolte-uprighte in the draughte wyth quyte a fyrme notion thatte some robbery or othere Mishap was in trayne. There was no sounde nor shadow out of place and yette I felt the Atmosphere be at the verye least Wronge. My thoughts quickly turnd to howe I myghte defend myselfe against any Goon and I made strayghte for my cloaths. I was aboute to seize my firste cufflinke when suddenly I noticd a miniscule throbbynge in the pyle that causd the folds of clothe to ope and shutte lyke minature babys mouthes.

Horrifyd, I steadyd my right hande wythe myye lefte to reach for my dressynge-gowne, and sat amazd as I did so, almost not knowynge what I didde, only that the source of all the movemente shoulde soone be reveald and to 'scape the knowledge I wolde be powerlesse. I shut my eyes and reachd, and there came to my eare, as I drewe the heavy gowne away, a puny munchynge, and as I peepd on th'umuffl'd form I did spye a grubby yet gigantick whyte ratte, gnawynge on a remnant of a Parrotte. The colourfulle byrd hadde all but disappeard into the ratte and that tremendous mammal was lickyinge out one of the wynge-joynts.

This has to stoppe! cryd Nashe, booting the monstrosity into a cupboarde and shuttynge it tighte. A faint scrabblynge emanated. What a monster! What a worlde! Explodynge wyth pitye I washd my handes and face. Howe coulde it have gotte in here? The beast was the syze of a Badger. Who the D---- are you?

I founde I adressd a slighte man wearynge glasses who withoute my knowledge had installd himselfe in the MFI kitchn I hadde pains-takingly assembled usynge only 17th-century tools. What is thys?

-You have a rodent problemme, replyd the man whose coloure-scheme of pale face, blue uni-forme and blacke haire gave hym the aire of an Official Documente, with the Clarity-of-English Diamond atwinkle in hys eye. I am fromme the council.

Knowynge that Domestick Pest-Controul was suche smalle frye to the megalythick Hackneye councille, I smelt a seckond ratte.

-You are notte! I retorted. I knowe you rat-catchers have a greate rackette gwynge onne. Whye shoulde the Council sende somebody rounde to kille animals when they haven't e'en the money to colleckt the rubbyshe. You are a wealthye professionale and you have the market sewne right uppe, and thatte's whatte youre goinge to do to me. Nowe gette out of my kitchen thou charlatan, it's tyme for BOVRIL(r).

-Acktually it's economical for the councille, replied my interlocutor smugly. I worke for a pest-controul firme and they have sub-contracted me.

-They have WHATTE? At thys pointe I notyced that he was bare-foot.

-I am here on their behalfe. And I am goinge to kille every single animal in thys place and you are goinge to paye for it because you are in Council Tax band R7. Nowe signe thys vellum.

Wearily I didde, seeynge no waye out of thys bureaucratick stye & impatient to see the apalling rodent destroyd.

-Presently I wylle begin, he declared as he foldyd th'affidavit into an interior pockette and in the same swifte motion withdrewe a huge syrynge fulle of grene venom, butte firste lette me telle you aboute oure methods. The methods are bang uppe to date and employ the verye -

He was cutt shorte by a cataclysmyck Smashe from the bedroome. We lookd at eache other disconcertdlye. Hys diamond eye twinkled hard atte me & he rushd off, I follwynge, into the chamber.

-AHA! He cryd, drivynge the syrynge into the ratte thatte was swyngyng i'the chandelier. Die, pest!

It was an horrid speckatcle as the ratte fell convulsynge to the floore. As it twytched he made an invoyce.

-£6 please.

I was flabberghasted. But I hadde notte the moneye. Nor any money at alle.

-I haven't it. Sorrye.

-If you do not have £6, you will have to kepe the bodye in youre flatte until you paye, th'exterminator replyd cooly.

I lookd atte the quiverynge corse coverd in blude and feathers.

-We have an Interest Scheme he continued, scratching the floor wyth a toe-nayle, it's verye reasonable.

-Can't Aye just take hym oute? I venturd.

-That? Snorted the Angel of Dethe, you'd better have somewhere to putte it or you wylle be fin'd & koude receive a Criminal Recorde. I will be backe nexte weeke to checke if you have the moneye, at whych poynt I shalle either remove thatte ratte, or...

He pushd his glasses uppe his nose and sniffd.

-...the pest controule wyll be oblygd to blacklyst youre house.

-I counte that notte a figge! I crow'd, I have no peste problemme, really thys is just an Isolated Incidente & I am habitually a clene & decent liver.

-Marke my wordes when I saye you do not want it, sayd th'exterminator darkly. Now showe me oute.

Feeble tiny little gnat of man, I thoughte as I conduckted hym oute. A pest-controul protecktion rackette indede. I was notte frightend by the prospeckt of armies of cock-roaches trooping out of the plug-holes nor wormes wriggylnge under my pillowe, no. Nor of myce insyde the pie-cruste, flyes on the custard, wasp nests hangynge from the eaves nor even a slug on eache houseplante and fat pigeons infestyng the chimney. But it was true thatte I needyd the moneye, and as I was up earlye I decyded to sette out to fynde me a jobbe.