A Plot Discover'd - The Pest-Controul Man's Seckond Visit - Evian Hyndemarshe - Nyghte Club

I rounded the cornere of litel my strete on Friday evenyng to fynd a smalle blue council Van parkd uppe alongsyde my neighbours house wyth the backe doore a hair ajar. Immediately I scrambld to hide me amongst the dust-cartes, knowynge my locality to be rather a dangerouse place at certeyn houres and eager to inuestigate and if possible t'enjoy any foule pleye that myght unrauel in't. The light was yette fayre and the citye at my backe was makynge ready for its Weekende Amusements I knew not what they were.

I festerd with the garbage. From my noxious bolt-hole I koude clearly see a lyte curll of smoak driftynge frome the fore-window, that proceeded from a small cigarette pincer'd firmly 'twixt two massive fingers that lookd fit to gouge a man's hande off. Fromme th'interior of the Van, and myngl'd wyth the smoke, there faintly ooz'd an elecktronic pulse garnishd wyth multicoloured arppegios, and my eare made oute a Croone. I was on the verge of steppynge oute and casually enteryng my house when a Gentleman of the Councille gotte oute of the van and began dumpyng bags full of flies and verminne on my doorstep. 'Sblood!

-Heretics! Cradle-snatchers! I cryd at my fvllest, lurchynge from the hydyngplace and brushynge offe a banana skynne. The monstrous syte was enough to stoppe the council Van in the inept three-poynte turne it was already assayyng. I thunderd up to the windscrene and gave them a looke of utter contempte.

-Get oute, comxcombs, and picke up those flies and vermin, I sallied. Thou'rt bothe for the choppe if not, I added wyth more convixion and puttynge my hande into an imaginary inner pockete to retrieve an imaginary rapier. Oute of thatte vanne at once! I bullyd theme bothe into collecktynge all the verminne, lockd them into the seald backe of the vanne wyth it, and drove said torture-chamber oute onto Kingsland Roade whereat I parked it on a Red Route and posted the keyes into a storme-draine. I then marchd up to the nearest telephone boxe, hackd my waye throughe the pornography and immediately range up the Councille.

-Hello. Welcome to Hackneye Council, twitterd the Bint. Please press '1' for an 'I Love Hackneye' badge. Please press '2' for Parkynge. Plese presse '3' to finde oute about leisure and servyces. Please presse '4' to speke wyth youre dustman. Please press '5' to notifye the councille of a gun battle. Plese presse '6' to comment on Nursynge.

I smashd at '0' lyke a goaded ox. Confound the squalid river-delta of choises that is the ramifyinge lunacy of right ingenious automated telephony! After a spate of hammerings at that '0' and one innocente misdirection to the fashion dept I eventually founde myselfe spekeing wyth the selfe-same Pest-Controuller whom I had enthusiastically anathematiz'd in my privayt momentes since firste I mette hym. I demanded to knowe what thys was, he was supposd to be cleneing oute the verminne not pourynge it inne. And that ratte was stille in my roome. He apologysd and promisd to be rounde in two houres tyme, for he hadde a rabid budgerigar that wantd stiflynge and it koude nat wayte. I mockinglye accepted thys feeble crumb of Hys Mercy and decyded to enter my house to wayte - an activitye from whyche I have not hadde muche pleasure since the Ratt-Episode.

I brushd myself downe on my way oute of the boothe, and turnd backe into my syde-streete. It was to my shocke and consternation that I notyced a Woman in a fyne blacke coate knockynge on my doore. She seemd to be lookynge uppe at my windowe and even took a deuce steps backe the better to looke at't. I moppd my browe and quietly approachd.

-Madame? I venturd.
-There you are! She cryd and spanne rounde. Mr Nashe, hello, she sayd and softly extended her hande from the costly sleeve.

My gut wrungg in embarassmente. Thys was more or lesse unprecedented. And what was more, thys was Evian Hyndemarshe, wyth her pleasaunt face peepyng oute from the collar. She wore a clothe cappe, sun-glasses, a goode formal dresse under the cote, and smarte flatte shoes at her lowermost poynt. She tooke offe the glasses and lookd at me. How d'you do? She askd.

-Miss Hyndemarshe. Fyne, thank you. Will you come inne, Ime afrayd it's rather a Typp.
-Delighted, she replyd courteously, foldyng her glasses wyth attracktiue precision.

I led her uppe my steps past the hepes of accreted rubbysh I never car'd to clene, and her excellent shoe trodde on many of my pamphlettes. Enterynge the kitchenne I realisd the Ratte was styll festerynge in the bedroome.

-Please sitte downe, Miss Hyndemarshe. Have you longe? Ile put the kettle on.
-Thank you, she sayd as she drew out a chaire.
-If youle excuse me there is a smalle mattere I must attend to i'th'othere roome, pray forgive me, sayd I, edgynge toward the chamber.
-Certainly, Mr Nashe, Ile see to a cuppe.

When her backe was turned I slippd through the dooreway and quickly closd it behind me. I lookd to the corner. I lookd to the deske. I lookd at the discomposéd bed, and I didde not see the Ratt. What freshe helle was thys? An abominable Ratte-shapd faux pas was brewynge and I was powerlesse to wrest it off the stove of fate. My brayne welter'd at the prospeckt.

-Mr Nashe? came the voice of Evian.
-Just a moment, I calld back.
-I realise I haven't tyme, we must speke at once.
-Very welle, Ile come.

I came backe into the Kitchen where she was standynge by the doore. I nonchalantlie inspecktd the Roome.

-My father has a jobbe for you, she sayd. You must review the Old Jerusalem Coffehouse this nyght.
-Old Jerusalem? I shalle, I replied gallantly.
-But because 'tis unseemly to dine alone in so informal a settynge he suggestd I accompany you. Havynge much pity for youre recent ille healthe, as well as being generally pleased at your persoun, he sees fitte to win you once and for alle to hys employmente by my showynge you a Nighte Oute, which sholde compensate for the Tyme you must have hadde after your latest commission at the Bison.
-Yes, I shoulde lyke that very mvche.

At thys point a whyte whysker sprang silentlye from the cupboard under the synk. I hurriedly dragged my aghast eye off't and back to Evian who demurely inspected the flore. After a silence in whych my nerves were too great to allow of speche she lookd up agayne.

-Mr Nashe, she broke out, we must leave very shortly for the bookynge is Imminent.
-Miss Hyndemarshe, let's. I wille be much refreshd by youre companie. Please to waite here whilst I chaunge.
-I shalle. But hurrye.

I hadde no choise but to returne to the bedroome. I dashd to the deske and wrote oute a note for the pest-controul man, enclosed it with a keye in an creme envelope and scrawld 'council' on't. Thys achieved, I listened for a moment at the doore. I heard only Evain hummynge 'Mary Hamilton' in the Kitchen, and screme nor Ratt-squeak did emanate. I struggld into my critickal outfitte and stuffd note-booke and council lettere into my pockette before re-emergyge into the Kitchen a little untidy.

-Good, sayd Evian.

I noted wyth horrour that the Ratt, whych had slippd oute onto the flore, was approachyng her from behinde wyth all ravenyng aspects usually attendant on predatory creatures deprived of their just meate.

-Let's go, I sayd, and led her to the staircase door. She saw to the latch. As she did, I turnd and saw the terrific beast silently hurl itself at us, its long fangs hinged uppe and a paire of rede eyes brimmynge wyth malice. The cry of digust I stifld emergd as a small cough as I punted the beaste full into the bedroome and ran to slamme the dore. Evian spun rounde decorously, as was her wont.

-What is it? What was that sounde?
-Nothynge I sayd, I don't lyke the draughte.
-But that foot-ball sounde, what was thatte?
-My neighboure.
-Your neighboure?
-Yes. Now we have to go, I sayd as I userd her oute of the roome. I'm afrayd I have a manne comynge and I have to leave hym a note.
-A note? What kynde of man? Her innocent face lookd at myne. What WAS that sounde?
-I have to leave't, he's from the council. Don't worry.
-At thys houre?
-Yes, he's a very busy manne.
We proceeded downe the steps.
-Here it is.
I got oute th'envelope.
-There's a keye in't.
-Yes, he has to get inne.
-Mr Nashe, you seme extremely foolyshe to leve youre keye oute for any old Tinker to come and Burgle you. And also to go on wyth such sinister noises in youre house. Are you sure I oughtn't go?
-Quite sure, Miss Myndemarshe -
-Evian.
-Evian.
-Right, we'll go.

And wyth that we steppd oute; I shutte the dore behynde us; and slippd all but the edge of th'envelope under the matte.

Over dinner we talkd of odds and endes concernyng her fathers Estate and Business interests whyle enjoyyng the fare. Finally we settld into Coffee, and she spoke quietly and atte lenghte of her father's illnesse. I have not the wit to reproduce her tragick story here; I must hasten to the conclusion of this evenyng's without further ado, for it was a derelickt and carnalised promenade on whych we were to fynde ourselves a-strollyng, whose excesses befit my humble Pen much more closely than does her dutiful and unprintable sympathy.

It was duryng the drayning of oure last cuppes that Evian lookd into my eye wyth her eye and tolde me she knewe of a Nyghte Club to which we could repaire.

-Evian, I have never bene to suche a place. I shall never go.
-Thomas (for we were on first name terms by now, and had been ere long), you must come and have one further drynk wyth me and that ys the place, 'twould be a shame to squander my father's benvolence by sendyng yourselfe holme at half past ten.
-I shan't, I sayd wyth vigour, there is no Question of't. I should sooner drynk congealèd milk than attend suche a plase, I knowe their content and style to be utterly degraded.
-Come, she sayd, there is muche more to saye.
-Thou'rt misleading Nashe, I muttered. And then more loudly: take me not to the 'Nyghte Club' nor any affiliated venue! Send me home in a Hackneye Carriage; I do not care. Thank you for dinner, you are the apogee of gentille womanhood. Goodnyghte.
At thys I cast some of her father's money onto the tableclothe and executed a brilliant volte-face that I assume quyte ruind her evenyng because she cryd oute and pursu'd me into the noisy streete.
-Stop, Mr Nashe, thys is ludicrous.
-Let me go. She hadde my arme.
-Come on, one drynke.
-No!

Just thenne, a tall ghoulish manne approachd from behynd her, and intond 'Evian' in a low and penetratyng voix. She shriekd and affectionately introduced her body to hys. Each was kissd on its respective chekes.

-Thys is Thomas Nashe. This is Mr. Ballast. He is my uncle.
-How do you do, I sayd, embarassd at my pitchd battle wyth his neice.
-Good evenynge, Nashe, sayd Ballast.
Pause.
-Evian, would you lyke to come to the clubbe?
Evian's eye twinkld wyth triumph.
-Yes, we shoulde bothe. Mr Nashe works for my father, Ime just keepyng him companie.

Under force majeure of gentlemanlinesse I was compelled to go to the Club. It lay in Soho, down an alley that sat at an odd angle to the thoroughfare, that barely contaynd its blue awnyng or velvet-cabled queuestall. There was nobody outsyde, so I followed Evian and Ballast down into the depths of the strete, into the dark hole and oute of syghte.

In the foyer a man sate at a deske. Evian signd me inne. This is Mr Ironhand, she sayd, he ownes it. Mr Ironhand produced - improbably - an iron hand from under the deske and shooke myne.

-Welcome, Thomas Nashe, to our Clubbe. Please enter and leave quietly.

Ballast led us into the Private Roome, where we sate on good grene leather chaires and had a drynk of whysky.

-Tell me, enquird Ballast, have you met any of Evian's relatives?
-I worke for her father, I replyd, keen to make a Good Impressioun.
-Rodney Hyndemarshe is the acne of mankynd, spake Ballast.
A pause.
-Please speke agayne? I sayd as Evian extended a horrifyd glance to'ard me.
-He is the most excrescent jewel in the crowne, extolled B, a credit to psychiatry. He ys the verger at the church of equanimosity, the sultan of mortality and well-deservyng of hys deathe.
A light in hys eye showd he was quite transported.
-Thomas! whisperd Evian, you must forgyve hym, he hath a wayward synapse. Uncle, Thomas knows all about my father. Why don't you introduce hym to some other members?
-With pressure! declard Ballast. The voice rang on.

-That, o'er there, is Mr Treasury, whose cactus is always flourishyng. He ownes thys place. That is Miss Dribble, who is an infamous stencil; that Mr Crauford-Fermont, a wealthy ingestor; that is young Mr Varicose, whose mother is a cyan criminal, contorted in early lyfe and quyte the better for it. Hard by you may read Messrs. Sinew and Scalpel, the Doctours. O'er there are Grimworth and Oppenheim, genteleman hunters of the Aral Sea. And there is a secretion of Younge Ladies and Gentlemen aboute the plase whose names I knowe not.
I tooke them alle inne.
-Now, Mr Nashe, continu'd Ballast, where are my manners? Kepeing you two here in bonds. Woulde you dragge Evian for a daunce?

I was happy to, but where should I take her?

-The daunce-flore, of course, smild Ballast. You young triffids ought to get on wyth a daunce.

I stoppd chewyng my ice-cube and lookd at Evian.

-Well, come on, she sayd, unlesse you have to run away home.
-I do not! I burst forth heroickally and stampd on the carpet. Come wyth me, swete Evian, and have thy delicate feet given the wings thy back already richly deserves!
She blushd a little and stoode up at thys awkward invitation.
-Very well, Thomas. See you soon, Uncle Ballast.

Evian led me up a short flyght of staires to a double doore through which the sounde of loud, energetick music was faintly audible. A man sat at a deske besyde it.

-Good evenynge Mr Hulahoop.
-Good evenynge Miss Hyndemarshe.
-Thys is Mr Nashe. Woulde you sign us in and open the Air-Locke for us?
-Certainly Miss replyd the factotum, and threwe open the doore.
We entered a short padded room wyth double doores at t'other ende. The music was muche louder in here.
-Thankyou Mr H. Please close us uppe, commanded Evian, and that gentleman did as he was tolde.

A short waite.

The double doors opposite blasted open and I was knockd to the ground by an appalyng pummeling of rhymickal noize. Evian landed almost atop me and the situacioun was extremely sensityve. We draggd ourselves oute onto the daunce floor, where sundry other couples were crawlyng around under the black pall of noize. A bar stood empty for nobody koude reache it. Many lyghtes pulsated. Finally, we hauled us into into a chaire and were strappd in by the sounde.

-What a terrible Idea, I mutterd. A couple was attemptynge to pleasure itselfe on the daunce-flore.
-What? howld Evian
-Let's go, I cryd.
-Let's go, screamed Evian but her wordes were lost in the Din.
I tried to replye.

Ten minutes later we were backe i'th'Air-Locke.

-Hulahoop? calld Evian, but there was no answer.

Distracktedly she lookd aboute her. My Ear was ringynge wyth the noise.

-Thom. she said in a friendly waye, I'm very sorry aboute that. Thou lookst lyke a car-accident.
-Yes, I sayd. And you. Looke, youre eyelashe is oute of joynte.
-My eyelashe?, she askd as I approachd to shew her.
-Yes, 'tis -

At exactly that moment the dore to the Disco erupted open agayn and a mighty buffet of noise forced Nashe and Evian against the walle, whereat Evian felle upon Nashe, and Nashe upon Evian, and by the time the interior door was prised open by the remiss Hulahoop, bracketed by the vigilant Ballast and Treasury, and those three men had turned their faces in concert to the scandalised Aire-Locke interior, they were ready-claspd i'th'corner, havyng begun at a kisse that gave such satisfaction to both parties it had continued, and did continue, past all distractioun. Nashe was summarily detached and led off for Expulsion in Disgrace, and the cordial handshake of Mr Ironhand scourd away the last impressiouns of her soft and fragrant hayre.